but they’re there in spirit…
Kids, I’m In such a good place right now. Life is complicated but good.
I just wanted to share something that happened to me today. Hours later and I’m a total wreck and start bawling like a kid. I thought that my mental health was pretty well in check and then this happened.
Social Anxiety Disorder:
I went to the Day of the Dead festival in Denton this morning. I was there before any activities began. I met up with a friend and I am so glad she was there.
We started by walking around merch booths and I was okay but then the crowd started to grow. I just kept moving, not wanting to stand in one place and feel like I was boxed in. But as the crowd kept getting bigger and bigger people would just stop all of a sudden all around me and I’d feel trapped. I realize this is my issue and not theres. It’s a street fair. People don’t necessarily have to pay attention and look out for other people.
Anyways, it got to the point that I was bumping into people and strangers were getting too close to my bubble. My heart raced and my body was physically shaking from my hips up. My legs felt like they were caught in cement and my head was just confusion, panic and anger. I wanted to enjoy the event but I wanted everyone else there to fucking disappear, with exception to my friend who was doing her best to keep me safe.
I had enough and ended up leaving. I walked the block back to my car and I just sat there with my window barely cracked, chain smoking, for nearly an hour. I was backed into a parking space and my car was facing a fire department across the street. Just minutes before I had walked passed the garage and DFD employees were hand washing the vehicles. I remember that putting a smile on my face for a moment. It was the absolute image of safety, you know?
Anyways, go forward several minutes and I start my car and put the gear into drive. I’m ready to head home. But just as I take my foot of the brake and slowly push it down on the gas, 2 of the three fire trucks that had just anchored me in a relative safe space in my head sped out of their bays, loudly honking their horns, blasting their sirens and flashing red lights that seemed alarmingly bright in the daylight.
Panic. My soul just about moved out of my body. I quickly put the car in park, opened my door and then leaned out and vomited in the parking lot. Several people who were going to the festival saw me. I don’t know what they thought. I don’t care.
When the fire trucks were gone and the panic subsided I cleaned vomit from the corner of my lip, closed the car door and made my way home. I cried and audibly sobbed for the span of about 30 seconds.
It wasn’t until I turned down a familiar road that would lead me toward the highway and home that I started breathing relatively normally.
Sounds horrible Monk. I am sorry to hear you had such a distressful experience this weekend. Perhaps mindfulness practices could be helpful for your social anxiety. (grounding, thought stopping, meditation/breathing) We have to practice them regularly, but they can be game changing in allowing one to make it through high distress/anxiety/panic situations. hugs and light to you.
Sorry to hear of this. Hope your anxiety and panic attacks subside… or you can become more comfortable in those situations and avoid those types of triggers.
Sounds terrifying. I’m glad you made it home okay. Listen to grim. It couldn’t hurt to be more centered. From a practical standpoint, make sure you’re eating healthy and staying hydrated. You’re definitely under some stress. xoxo
I’m sorry to see what was supposed to be a fun day for you ended the way it did. I get anxiety too but its mostly claustrophobic type of anxiety. I can’t be in the middle of a crowd or in a tight elevator or feel trapped in any way including the dentist chair or other medical procedures where I can’t move or have space, so I know that ugly feeling of anxiety.
If I have to be on an airplane for over 2 hours I have to be in the front and medicated. I usually drive if it’s just a couple states over because with driving I have options to pull off the road. There have been times I’ve had anxiety in standstill traffic on a highway or a crowded drive thru line because I felt trapped.
I noticed my anxiety gets easily triggered when I’m under a lot of stress.
The important fact I saw in your experience is even though you experienced that ugly feeling you managed it and got home safely.
You managed it well and I’m glad you’re feeling better.
We are in the same club.
Thank you for that. I know I’m not alone in my problems and it helps to see that other people have work throughs.
I know it’s petty of me to post about it. I posted on facebook too. It’s just a lot easier for me than to actually go get help and, ultimately, I know it’s not that big of a deal. Just felt overwhelmed and I appreciate all of you listening to me whining.
You are not whining. Good to reach out to.
Thank you for sharing
If anything this place can be a safe place to share
Just fucking with you! Do you take anything for anxiety?
I used to take klonopin and prozac but I haven’t had health insurance and surprise, surprise, when you don’t have health insurance they don’t typically prescribe generics which prices me out of it.
What’s the over/under that Clint Eastwood is going to make a movie about that “Delta force dog”?