I Could Tell Ya, but I'd have to Bore Ya - Inane Anecdotes


#121

My loves have ended with pages turning, not being torn out. I don’t know how you found the courage to go on, but we’re all glad you did.


#122

much love nick. you just said it best in your closing…you don’t move on…you move forward. beautiful.

also, how do you not eat that butt of the bread? that’s where all the flavor is!!! flavor country!


#123

Thanks, everyone!

Not moving forward would be the most hurtful thing I could ever do to Kate. The kids are her legacy. The most important job I will ever have is making sure they always remember her and know how much they meant to her. There were times that just putting an end to the pain felt like it made sense, but I couldn’t do that to Kate or the kids. It hurts that my best friend now resides on my mantle, but I no longer have any intention of joining her.


#124

Yes, this was implied.

I consider myself a sommelier of fat jokes and there are some gems in here.


#125

This is a companion to my art post today. I bought this kitchen timer several years ago…

image

I was worried that I would see it and want cheeseburgers all the time, but what happened was that I just wanted more cheeseburger timers. I didn’t though because it’s a complete piece of junk that can’t be depended on to time anything. I still have it though, it’s too cute to chuck in the garbage.

This is probably the most inane anecdote in this thread. Sorry. :hamburger:


#126

I’m going to tell you about my dealing with a bully…well a bully’s mom.

This happened in September or October of 2019. Actually, it happened before then, but I wasn’t alerted to it at the time for fear, as my stepson puts it, of me “going to jail.”

Let me start with some backstory. My stepson is awesome. I love that kid just as much as I love the ones I made with my balls. All school year he had been dealing with two asshole kids (the assholes were cousins). They fucked with him for absolutely no reason. My stepson is a tough, popular, athletic, good looking kid. I’m not saying there is ever a reason to bully someone- I’m just pointing out that he was being fucked with for reasons outside the usual typical asshole kid reasons. My wife and I never understood it. He talked to us about it multiple times over the school year. In fact, my wife knew one of the kids’ mom. Kate offered to talk to his mom. My stepson knew that would make things worse…so Kate didn’t. Kate knew the mom in the way moms know moms. Kate, along with other moms, had coffee with her a few times over the course of two years. When I talked to Kate about going behind my son’s back and talking to the mom, Kate said there was no point. The mom was so self-absorbed. Kids were a way of showing that her guts work. If they were a source of pride, it was only in the way that someone shows pride in a county fair prize-winning cow. The mom is one of those moms that posts a lot of selfies on Facebook and talks about self-care. She has hair that is really long on top and is parted to one side. Think high-end Karen-do. It was like she was trying to conceal her face like an early-era Mariah Carey. She posts about Jesus. She probably has a MLM “funky” yoga pants “business.” I know I have pejoratively mentioned yoga pants here before, but if that’s your form of expression, chances are that’s about the extent of your being interesting. The mom’s name is Ande. Yes, just like the disgusting little chocolate mints. Maybe less vile, but comparisons can definitely be made. I don’t know her husband, but from what I hear he’s a gormless, joyless, dull bore. He’s probably kept from checking their online checking account with tricky security questions like “What is your anniversary?” or “Your wife’s muscular personal trainer…what’s that all about?”

Things really started to boil around Christmas. My stepson was getting pissed. We had told him that we never wanted him to start a fight…but he had our blessing to finish any fight. There was never a doubt that he could have fucked both kids up. Not to cast dispersions, but my kid played hockey…they played soccer. That said, my son asked me if I could show him how to really hit someone. I boxed and he wanted tips. Things were really getting bad…and then my wife died. Both of those assholes quit fucking with my son. Even if they had, dealing with your mom’s death has a way of galvanizing you. He had bigger issues and a loss to deal with. Then this happened…

Sometime over the summer, my stepson is playing Fortnite online. Keep in mind…I had no idea that any of the following happened until much later. He’s on a team with one of his friends. One of the asshole cousins joined too. My son’s friend had to go or go offline. I don’t know. The asshole kid asks my son “Why did he have to go? Was it his fucking parents? I hope they die in a wreck.” My stepson texted the asshole and told him that wasn’t cool. He texted back “It’s not my fault your fucking mom died.”

My son mentioned this to his step-mom. His step-mom called Ande and asked her to check her son’s phone to make sure that she was getting an accurate story. The mom calls back and apologizes. Again, keep in mind that I have no idea that any of this has happened.

Cut to a few months later. The older brother (he’s in high school) of the asshole and a cousin are embroiled in a different bullying controversy. The elder asshole has been bullying a mentally challenged kid. This actually makes the news here. Lawyers were hired. Different advocates called for severe punishments and expulsion. Screenshots of texts were shared online. Some of the screenshots showed that the disabled child was being told to take naked pictures or he was going to be punched at school. All of this was to humiliate the poor kid. I hear about this and because I live in a small town, I learn who the asshole bully is. It made sense to me. It didn’t shock me like it did most people. This family was seen as a family of god and whatever other bullshit they wanted you to believe. Anyone that had real dealings with the family knew better. The mom issued the most non-apology apology this side of a Ryan Adams apology. It’s littered with incredulity, god speak and victim-blaming. According to the apology, none of us knew the “real story.” It was bullshit. Sadly, most of the comments were about prayer and how graciously she was taking this “learning experience.”

I asked my stepson about all of this. I asked if he knew what was going on. Then he told me about what transpired a few months earlier and explained why he didn’t tell me beforehand. I have a pretty cool temperment, but my son was told by his dad and stepmom that he shouldn’t tell me. They knew I would be enraged. It’s hard to raise four kids from jail. Looking back, they were right. I would have driven over to their house and hit people indiscriminately. I have never been so mad.

I decide to respond to Ande’s “apology.” I take umbrage with her being blindsided by her oldest son’s behavior. I take umbrage with the people mentioning her “grace.” I spell everything out. I can have a way of demeaning someone without using expletives or making fun of them. I don’t mention her son’s name. I explain everything and quote her son. I also mention that her kid was an ass all year. Almost instantly, those same people that were extolling Ande’s grace were expressing that they were appalled or they were texting me. I received a lot of “thank yous” and "finally"s. Within an hour, Ande’s Facebook is no more. I’m pissed she took it down. I walk my two-year old into preschool and the directors applaud me. They had all been at the receiving end of this shitty family. Other moms tell me how happy they were that I challenged her apology.

A day or two later I get a call from Ande. I don’t answer. She leaves me a voicemail. I call her back on my way home from work. The conversation didn’t go the way she thought it would. Truthfully, I have never felt more insane. I spoke with conviction, but never cursed at her or raised my voice. I spoke in a manner even I didn’t envision. Ande apologizes. She tells me “from what I hear you are doing a great job by yourself” as if I needed her fucking star of aproval. She also says that she had no idea her son was like this. I laugh and ask her how she could be so oblivious to her two sons being such awful people. She says “as you know, it’s so hard to raise kids that age. You never know what they are really doing.” She tells me they aren’t awful and that I don’t know the full story. I tell her “I do know it’s not hard to raise kids not to be pieces of shit.” This would become a theme. I ask for the full story behind why her son felt the need to say what he said to my son. She couldn’t. She said that it was awful and that her family had been praying over this since she found out about it. Tip- don’t invoke god to the godless. She doesn’t understand why I am just now reaching out. I tell her I just learned of what happened. She doesn’t buy it. She asks me why I had to interject myself into her other son’s business. She asks “why didn’t you reach out to me personally instead of posting under her apology.” I calmly told her “Had I reached out to you personally, none of those people saying how gracefully you handled your other son would know how full of shit you are.” “I’m not full of shit!,” she responded. I told her that it’s laughable to think that she had no idea what kind of monsters her kids are. “They aren’t monsters. They make mistakes like any other kids.” I explain that I don’t understand why her kids decide to pick on the kids that have been dealt a rough hand. The one kid didn’t ask to be autistic and my son didn’t ask to lose his mom. She says “well, you must be a better parent than I am.” I laugh and say “no shit? Guess who is doing it by himself, too?” What does your dumb husband think of his shit head sons or is he has involved as you are?" She gives up and says “Ok, I thought you would be willing to talk this through.” I told her I am talking, she’s just not saying anything of any worth. She apologizes and says that she’s going to try harder and raise her kids by the bible. Again I laugh. I ask her if she knows the story of Cain and Abel and tell her that she’s raising two Cains. Again I tell her that raising kids to not be fucking monsters and pieces of shit isn’t hard…you just have to be present…which you aren’t." She denies this. I ask her “what’s worse…having pieces of shit for sons and you having no idea…or you ignoring the fact that they are monsters?” She cries a little and I ask her “what’s more upsetting, knowing who your kids are, or knowing that everyone knows who your kids are?”

“Ok, Nick, I have tried to talk to you, but you just keep insulting my family and my parenting.
Bye.” I never got the full story about why her sons are the way they are. My son ended up shoving her son to the ground at a local restaurant before friends broke it up.


#127

keep em coming nick.

also, Ande’s mints are delicious…but only when the restaurant puts em out for free…they’re never worth the quarter most places want for em.


#128

I did not come here to read.


#129

all i read was

“i did not come”


#130

I did/do.


#131

full body cringe These are the worst kinds of people.


#132

hey @saf

so rocking out to Dr. Laura today i thought of you…some lady was having issues with her mom and sister being bitches…dr. laura said to drop em …

do you listen to dr. laura? i’ve been a huge fan since i was 18 or so…


#133

Hiya, @thebalvenie

No, I don’t listen to Dr. Laura, but I’ll check her out. When Amber Rose and Chris Dongahue took over Loveline, I found that to be immensely helpful, and I listened to every episode. Ironically for something that is so light, it was what really made me realize that my mother’s gaslighting was actually gaslighting and I did need to end my first marriage because we were really and truly fundamentally incompatible in communication styles, love languages, background, pretty much every arena imaginable. It helped me come to terms with making my daughter a child of divorce and with understanding how to never make these mistakes again… I got a lot out of it and it really did change my life! (Of course I also had to sit through at least 30 conversations about squirting to get through the programs, but everything has its price.)

So I can definitely see where you are coming from and I will definitely check it out.


#134

lol
30 conversations about squirting? doesn’t sound like it was worth it.


#135

If anything sexual is worth having 30 conversations about it is squirting. Squirting is a gift.


#136

lol
okay…i’ll back pedal a bit and say i agree…but can’t say i’d be too interested in others squirting stories…that’s just me.


#137

That’s just peeing and naming it something nastier.


#138

Amber Rose agrees with you, Dr. Chris does not, and I just summarized how all 30 conversations go in one sentence here.