This is a story of the hardest I have ever laughed. I totally understand that it’s one of those “had to be there moments.”
This happened a few years ago. The adults in my family went out for dinner or an anniversary, or whatever. My family does this and I like it. My nephew, who just turned 30 two weeks ago, and his now-bride joined us for dinner. It was like graduating from the kids table. This local spot is my favorite. It looks like a right shit hole.
The food is amazing, though. I took my current, and still healthy, wife here on our first date. She’s not from here and I enjoyed every fucking second of her reaction as we pulled into a gravel lot that looks like the end date on an epitaph. I’ve been frequenting this place for a long time. This place has its charms. Their bartenders have no desire to measure.
They only take cash or checks (or cheques if we beat you in a war). The loophole to this is that they don’t have to take either if you are too drunk to fill out a check. Once, while drunkenly struggling to fill out a check (I had forgotten cash), the waitress tells me to just give them a business card and they will mail me my bill. The bookkeeper must be a fucking saint. Another quirk is that this restaurant keeps Christmas decorations up all year. If the Santa on top of the place is lit up it means that the illegal gambling ring in the basement is doing business. Like I said- charming. My family, or at least the fun ones (read: mom), had a few drinks. It was my idea to go to the casino.
That last paragraph has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story.
We go to the casino. The amount of oxygen tanks always astounds me. Now I’m not sure if I have mentioned that I can be an absolute asshole at a blackjack table before. But I can be an absolute asshole at a blackjack table. I try to help others that don’t know what they are doing. Unsurprisingly that isn’t always welcomed. The house only holds a 1% advantage. This is why I try to help. I don’t want someone taking the dealer’s bust card. I don’t want someone not taking a card when they should definitely take a card. It can turn a table.
So, I get someone at the casino to open a table for my family. There weren’t any seats open and we all wanted to play. Well, there was still one seat that would be open. This guy turned out to be one of the worst blackjack players I have ever seen. It was his first time there. He told us that he plays all the time, but he isn’t from here (that part become a little more important later). He wouldn’t hit a 16. He would split face cards. Graciously, I tried to help him. The dealer, who is typically not allowed to opine, would tell him that I was right and just trying to help. He wanted nothing to do with my help. He also had sunglasses on like he was fucking Corey Hart. He had his hood up like he was anticipating a nor’easter. I hated him.
This went on for over an hour. He took so many bust cards. Much to my dad and nephew’s delight, I was getting frustrated. Then his girlfriend comes up to him and kind of sits on his knee. I don’t hear what they are saying because I hate him. She starts to walk away and he says, “Yeah, give me an hour and I’ll be up there.” I then pull out my shittiest Jeff Dunham ventroliquism act. I talk out of the side of my mouth using an effiminate voice and say “Honey, if you come up to the room now I will give you a blowjob.” My dad and nephew start laughing. He gets pissed at me and says “fuck you.” He proceeds to cash in his chips and leaves in a huff. My dad is still laughing so hard that he’s coughing. My sister-in-law turns to me with a smirk and says “Nick, you were so mean you made him leave.”
And that’s when the greatest line I have ever heard was uttered. A line that would make me laugh harder than I have ever laughed before. My nephew, with Jimmy Pardo-like quickness, turns to his mom and says, “I don’t know mom, I heard his girlfriend was offering him a blowjob!”