Joke of the day!


#61

very dumb. :cold_sweat:


#62

baaaa…dummmm…DISH!


#63


#64

I think my friend is a vampire

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I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake and he died


#65

No.


#66

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer
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The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast”


#67

Old one…

A man goes into a pub in a small town and, for whatever reason, gets introduced to the clientele. There’s Farmer Jack, Barman Jim, Maurice “Dancer” and Sheep shagger John. After a few pints, the visitor’s curiosity gets the better of him and he asks John what’s with the nickname.

“See this pub?” asks John, “I built it, but they don’t call me Pub builder John? I’m the local doctor, I saved Barman Jim’s life once when he choked on a peanut, but they don’t call me Lifesaver John. Every year, I supply a huge Christmas tree for the village green, but the don’t call me Christmas Tree John.

“But you shag one lousy sheep…”


#68

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”


#69

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.
Well, he’s is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”
Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. …Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”


#70

if it was in Melania’s handwriting, chances are they are the sentiments of Michelle Obama.


#71

What’s the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician?

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A rock musician plays 3 chords for 20,000 people, and a jazz musician plays 20,000 chords for 3 people


#72

I walked in to a supermarket today and noticed an attractive woman waving at me…
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She said hello and I was rather taken aback because I couldn’t place where I knew her from.
So I asked, "Do you know me?"
To which she replied, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now. my mind traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife and I said, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into my eyes and said calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”


#73

a classic

:japanese_goblin:


#74

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, “What are you doing father?”
“It’s called masturbating,” the priest replied. “You’ll be doing this soon.”
“Why father?” he asked.

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“Because my wrist is killing me,” the priest replied.


#75

Balv - Thanks for the ilght. What was that site with German jokes, which were not jokes at all, but just narratives of actual events, often sad?

Found them.


#76

LOVE IT!

genius


#77

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
“Yes,” he says. “My daddy taught me.”
“Can you tell me what comes after three?”
“Four,” answers little Johnny.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven,” answers little Johnny.
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job.
What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” answers little Johnny.


#78

Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist.
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It’s called Facebook.


#79

What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth?
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A gummy bear!


#80

Ha!