Joke of the day!


#101

bad, and worse!!


#102

A hooker walked up to me…

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And said "I’ll suck your dick for $20."
I said “Let me see the $20 first.”


#103

What do you call a cow with two legs?

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Irene.
There’s no joke here, I just hate that bitch.


#104

“I’m dating Miss Georgia. All right, it’s the former Miss Georgia. OK, it’s George Foreman.”


#105

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream.”


#106

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says “I’ve got bad news, you’ve got cancer and alzheimers.” The man goes “Thank god I don’t have cancer.”


#107

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?

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Because he likes to come in a little behind.


#108

What do you give a cannibal whose late for your dinner party?

The cold shoulder

Did you hear about the upcoming movie with Sonic the Hedgehog and Curious George?

Too Fast, Too Curious


#109

I was saddened when I heard Kevin Spacey is a child molester. I always liked him.
Turns out he stopped liking me 27 years ago. :frowning:


#110

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
‘Hey you, do you have water?’ Pants the criminal.
The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"
‘There’s no call for threats,’ said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don’t want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I’ll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you’ll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"
Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.
“Everything ok?” Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.
“They won’t let me in without a tie…”


#111

Okay. That makes up for the one in the other thread.


#112

i’m all about redemption


#113

“Standing in the park today wondering why a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets, then it hit me.”


#114

Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women
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But he came close.


#115

Stop it.


#116

That one was good.


#117

What do anal sex and broccoli have in common?
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If you’re forced to have either as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.


#118

So I walked up to the widow at a funeral.

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Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: (clears throat) "Plethora."
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”


#119

My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.


#120

A man was in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask

The new nurse was doing a partial sponge bath and she heard the man say something from behind the mask:
" are my testicles back?"
Slightly embarrassed she replied "I dont know sir, Im only here to wash your upper body and feet"
The man struggles to ask again "are my testicles back?"
She’s worried that if he stresses too much it will raise his blood pressure too high. She puts aside her embarrassment and pulls down his covers. She holds his manhood and moves it from left to right closely checking each testicle.
After doing this she covers him back up and say “everything looks good down here sir”

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The man slowly reached for his oxygen mask and pulls it off “Thank you very much for that it was wonderful” he said with a smile “Now listen very closely. Are - My - Test- Results - Back?”