Joke of the day!


#121


#122

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I’m in hell!"
Satan: "Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow…that’s awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…?"
Satan: "That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No…"
Satan: “Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough…”


#123

My mom sent me this:

Making friends without using Facebook

To others of my generation who still do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook even exists, here’s what I’m doing to gain better understanding:

I am trying to make new friends without using Facebook, but while applying the same principles.

Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, then give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.

And it works!

I already have four people following me:

Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.


#124

If i had a dollar for every racist joke I told…

I’d probably get robbed…

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by a black guy.


#125

That’s fucked up, man.


#126

i know.

that’s why it’s a joke


#127

Did you know that Helen Keller had a swing set in her back yard?
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Neither did she.


#128

Hellen Keller, special needs superstar, is possibly best known as the butt of many, many jokes.


#129

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and gets her some punch.


#130

It’s 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they’re planning to do on the date.

Bobby politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Bobby is shocked. “Excuse me, sir?”

“Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”

Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”


#131

My moms gonna love this!


#132

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept trying to dissuade him.
Ving filled out all the paperwork and submitted it, but instantly regretted his decision. He was told that since the paperwork had already gone through he’d had to pay an extra fee to undo his name change.
Ling was so happy that Ving decided not to go through with it he offered to pay, but when he took out his money all of a sudden their elderly Chinese father stormed in, dressed in shorts with the American flag printed upon it.
“Don’t stop, be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling.”


#133

wow


#134

didn’t like the journey of that joke?


#135

Journey is/was a joke.

We used to call them uriney.


#136

Yeah, that was bad.


#137

rough crowd here today…nick posted a joke that didn’t even have a punch line

get it?


#138

You can’t win em all.


#139

i have a feeling your mom would love that joke :slight_smile:


#140

What’s an epileptic’s favorite food?


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SEIZURE SALAD.