Joke of the day!


#141

Steve laughed at your Journey joke. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:
I didn’t tell my mom


#142

I mean it’s not an amazing joke or anything but I’ve seen worse!!!

Thanks Steve!!


#143

The guy was in the punch line.


#144

No shit!!!


#145

This would slay in a nursing home if you changed the adjective “Chinese” to “Orientals”


#146

I think it’d be funnier if they were Siamese twins.

Which leads me to this joke:

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could drive.


#147

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.”

“I am actually 47!”

This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
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The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonalds.”


#148

Oy.


#149

I only accept friend requests on FB from Etheopians now… That way I’ll never have to look at pictures of their fucking dinner.


#150

Aren’t you bothered by all the ‘wish I had some’ they put on your pictures of your dinner?


#151

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer thinks blondes are dumb and that he can get one over on her easily, so the lawyer asks if the blonde would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to fall asleep.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. “I’ll ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5, then you’ll ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $500.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”

The blonde quietly reaches into her pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all the references he could find on the internet; he sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the blonde up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The blonde reaches into her pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.


#152

Nice!!


#153


#154

A joke from an actual Holocaust survivor:

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn’t laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, “I guess you had to be there to understand”.


#155

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

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A lip reader


#156

Showing kindness to a homeless man…

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”

“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.

“Will you use it to gamble?”

“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”

“Are you NUTS!? I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

The man said, "Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”

The man replied: “That’s OK. I just want her to see what a man who’s given up drinking, gambling and golf looks like.”


#157

not funny


#158

k


#159

Why don’t dogs go to psychiatrists?

Because they aren’t allowed on couches.


#160

All the dogs I know are allowed on couches! :+1:t2: