Joke of the day!


#161

Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. “See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them.”

So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he’s about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she’s in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.

Not wanting to be a jerk he says, “You want to go out there and show them how it’s really done?”

Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.

After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she’s got a ride home.

She tells him, “no but I can call someone to pick me up.”

Trying to be nice he tells her “nonsense I’ll give you a ride!”

On the ride they’re laughing and getting along well and she tells him, “I’m really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don’t you pull over at that park and we can talk.”

They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.

“I’m sorry,” she blushes, “you’re just so nice and I like you.”

“it’s perfectly fine.” he smiles.

“Would you like to make love to me?” she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it’s hard to do in the truck.

She thinks and says, “My arms are pretty strong, why don’t you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way.”

So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.

After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.

“Come here boy,” he says, gesturing him over.

Worried, he walks over, “uhh yes sir?”

“I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven’t seen her smile like that in years.”

Feeling guilty, he says, “It’s no big deal I was glad to do it.”

“No no,” her father replies, “you don’t understand, you’re a good man, most guys just leave her hanging”


#162

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, “Give it to me straight doc!”

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The doctor replies, “That’s impossible, we’re both male.” They both laugh and the doctor says, “Besides, I don’t want AIDS”


#163

One of your worst! :-1:t2:


#164

Why did the crab never share?

Because he was shellfish.

Dad jokes on the radio for Father’s Day.


#165

Idiot president is the joke of the day everyday. It’s absurd that they let him tweet anymore with the amount of stupid spelling mistakes he makes.

Country’s


#166

He must think we’re costumers.


#167

#168

yay! you’re back


#169

Bats in the bell-V.


#170

A woman’s on vacation and calls home

.
.
.
.

She asks her husband, “How’s my cat doing?”

The husband says, “The cat’s dead.”

The woman’s upset and says, “Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” says the husband, “I’ll remember that.”

The woman says, “Anyway, how’s my mother doing?”

The husband says, “Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down.”


#171

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”


#172

I just read your two jokes to Steve.
He said “what’s that thread called, the bad jokes of the day?”


#173

I like em!


#174

The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.


#175

What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she’s HIV Positive?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Try to act surprised


#176

no


#177

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress. One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shook her head no.

Then he asked, “Kin ya breathe?”

The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.

The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table.

His partner said, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!”


#178

Two Polish guys walk into a bar
They sit down at the bar and order their drinks. They’re the only two customers in the bar and the bartender starts making conversation with them out of boredom. Bartender says, “hey do you two guys want to hear a funny joke?” Both say yes, so bartender asks, “What has 4 legs, 4 arms, 2 heads and smells like shit?” Neither Polish guy knows the answer, so the bartender tells them, “You and your friend!” Everyone has a good laugh and the two guys order another round of beers. As the bartender is pouring the draught, he realizes the keg is nearly empty. He tells the two guys that he needs to run to the basement to change the keg and he’ll be back in a few minutes. The bartender then goes downstairs.

While the bartender is away, two black guys walk in and take a seat next to the Polish guys. The Polish guy seated closest to the new customers leans over and tells the gentlemen that the bartender is changing the keg and he’ll be back up soon. The Polish guy then asks, “Hey! Do you guys like a good joke?” Both guys say yes.

Polish guy says, “Ok! What has 4 legs, 4 arms, 2 heads and smells like shit?” Both black guys shake their heads in puzzlement. Polish guy says, “Me and my friend!”


#179

A guy goes to the Doctor. He’s got a Carrot in 1 ear, a stalk of Celery in his other ear, a Pea in his nostril, he says “Doctor, I haven’t been feeling well.”

The Doctor says “That’s because you’re not eating right.”


#180

Why don’t many people tell jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Punch Line Is Too Long.